And if you haven’t noticed, we no longer own and we no longer control our cities. Oh sure, there are mayors, law enforcement and all indications that cities belong to the citizens who live in them, but we are not the owners and we are being held hostage by cheap, cowardly thugs who think brutal intimidation will keep them swimming in adulation.

I cite as my proof, the newspapers of the local city…

“Wednesday, January 20, Roseville Police and Roseville Fire personnel responded to a reported shooting in the parking lot of a strip mall in the 1000 block of Sunrise Avenue. The victim, a weight-loss clinic employee, was standing on a sidewalk near the clinic when another male approached him. After a brief conversation, the suspect fired two shots from a handgun, striking the victim in the abdomen. The victim is currently recovering from his injuries and is expected to survive.”

“Monday February 1, VALLEJO, Calif. — A Vallejo city worker has been hospitalized after he was attacked and robbed by a group of people while a crowd looked on. Police said the 46-year-old man, who has not been identified, was assaulted around 3:20 p.m. Monday near Vallejo High School after getting into a confrontation over rocks thrown at his backhoe.”

“December 12, Saramento, CA Sheriff’s Dept reports that two unidentified male suspects entered the Jack in the Box restaurant at 4128 Norwood Ave. Both suspects jumped the counter and forced the employee at gunpoint to open the safe. Cash was taken from the safe, along with a laptop and cell phone.”

“January 21, North Sacramento, CA. A woman said that she was forced behind a building in North Sacramento and sexually assaulted by a stranger Wednesday night, according to Sacramento police. The woman, who is in her 20s, told police she was waiting for a friend near the light-rail station at Arden Way and Del Paso Boulevard shortly after 8:30 p.m. when an unknown man approached her and physically forced her behind a nearby building.”

“VALLEJO, Calif. — Authorities are searching for a 15-year-old runaway from Hayward in the shooting of a Vallejo ice cream truck driver near a middle school. Detectives said that the driver, a recent immigrant who did not speak English well, had trouble understanding their demands and was shot when the boys thought she was not responding quickly enough.”

You are not in control. Your police departments have no control. The government cannot and will not protect you from this kind of escalating problem. The gangs and two-bit thugs that inhabit your city infrastructure own your city. They own your subdivision. They own your street. As homeowners in your neighborhood, you are powerless to change this oft overlooked fact. It will not get better… It will not change soon…

In todays society and with increasing regularity the effort by the scum that inhabit your neighborhoods and cities continues to grow exponentially. It is estimated that by the year 2017, homicides, robberies, beatings, malicious mischief and crimes using a firearm by local gangs will overwhelm the police departments best efforts to stop them. In other words, they have more and better than the police who are charged to protect us.

Most authorities cite several reasons for this;

1. People who witness some type of gang issue do not want to get involved.
2. Belief in the reliance on local law enforcement to correct a known situation.
3. Families of gang members think their relatives are not involved.
4. Victims have read about the problem, seen the problem, know it’s a problem, but do nothing to prevent it from happening to them.
5. Laws in many areas are not harsh enough to curb abhorrent behavior.

In other words, we are failing to protect ourselves because of what we do, what we know and what we can provide to help alleviate an escalating situation.

But you can survive and you can help others live normal lives. How? By being aware. Here are ten things you can do to thwart injury to yourself and others:

1. Be ever vigilant

You can never let your guard down. These gangs strike quick and they are cowardly. You have to be aware of everything going on around you.

2. Don’t just tell you friends or family to be careful

A flip remark like “Be careful” means little unless you and your family and friends find ways to talk to each other about how to be careful. “Be careful” is so vague. Define what it means to be careful in todays society.

3. Make every effort to protect those who cannot protect themselves

Kids, the disabled… they are deserving of your attention and protection whether they are yours or not.

4. Be an aware witness

If you see something that looks suspicious, it probably is. Can you describe it down to the finest detail? A statement like “well, he was a large guy wearing a hoodie..” means nothing. Open your mind and take in the entire situation. Practice doing witness descriptions when your waiting at your dentist’s office or the DMV. Be very specific about what you saw.

5. Arm yourself

Despite what you just read, I don’t mean to pick up a gun. There are many ways you can arm yourself and there a many courses offered by local organizations that can help you arm yourself against threats. Attend one of those classes. Take a self-defense course. Carry a pepper or mace spray. Use a short dog leash with a heavy buckle attached to your keys. A small wooden baseball bat makes a good swinging weapon. Above all, take a course and get some knowledge.

6. Tell your neighbors what’s happening

At one time it used to be called neighborhood gossip. Today it’s called Neighborhood Watch. Be a good neighbor and tell others that you live close to the things that you might be seeing in and around your sub-division.

7. Be seen when you are on foot / Make your home bright

Park in well lit areas. Turn on outside house lights at night. Carry a flashlight AND USE IT, even if the way is well lit. Be visible from many different directions and if you can, be around others.

8. 911 on your speed dial

Is 911 programmed into your cell phone and home phone speed dial? Sometimes you won’t get a chance to make a full call, let alone a 911 call. Just pressing one number can notify someone you need assistance. Nine out of ten victims tell authorities that they do not have a one button 911 setting.

9. There is safety in numbers

It’s not a secret… There is safety in numbers. If you have to walk anywhere, try and get someone to go with you. The more “someones”, the better. Even if it’s just out to your car in the office parking lot, ask someone to accompany you.

10. Always tell someone what you are doing and where you are going

Almost always, this is never done. To many times the report to authorities is that they had no idea what or where the victim was going or what they were doing. Always tell someone (especially your neighbors) if you are going to be away and for how long. Tell family members what you will be doing. Keep them appraised of the status of your time away.

This economy is not helping our governments ability to provide the safety and security that we should get. As city services become stagnate, these gangs will resort to more bold approaches to augment their habits. Do not think that you won’t be touched by these low life criminals. It’s complacency like that which will get you and your family and friends into some serious trouble.

And it’s happening everywhere… well… unless you live in the town dubbed “The Icebox of America”. But then again, the folks in International Falls Minnesota may disagree with you. But, I bet it’s happening there too.

Until next time…

A. U.S. Coast Guard

B. U. S. Forest Service

C. U.S. 4th Cavalry Regiment

D. U.S. Department of Agriculture

Tis a wonderful world we live in.  However, are we, as a people, growing up too fast?

Is technology coming at us faster than we can absorb it? Heck, NASA is talking about the new “suit” one can wear to fly to and from any destination.  Can you imagine what kind of chaos that will cause?  Hell, we have folks who can’t chew gum and walk at the same time.  Now we are going to suit them up to fly to work?  I hope I am long dead before I see that happen.

Cars are now going to voice command systems, heads up displays(HUD), collision avoidance, wend and weave notifications, drive by wire systems…  I’m afraid of looking at just what a HUD in a car would look like.

My new car's HUD

It would have to be simple… yet display all the info I need to make sure I select guns when I am too close for missiles.

Cells phone used to be simple.  Push a few numbers, press the green button and you were connected.  Now we are wired, geared, texting, twittering, calculating, gaming, posting, GPS’ing, checking e-mail, checking directions,  checking messages, playing music…

Uncle Marks early cell phone

Hell, it even takes your picture.  Do I know how to do all those things on my cell phone?  Puh-leeze…

I have a refrigerator that tells me I’m low on milk and the temperature is a tad bit high because I left the door open looking for something to snack on.  I had to call tech support.

Reboot? Its a fridge, ain't it?

The guy at the other end of the line said to just reboot the refrigerator.  (WTF?)

My furnace has a LCD screen on it which allows me to put in all kinds of info to tell my home when to heat up and cool down.  It’s supposed to save me a boat load of cash.  Now when I get home from work early, I freeze to death until “Merlin the Furnace Nazi” tells me it’s time to warm up the joint.  It saves cash alright.  I’m so cold I can’t even open my wallet to pay the paperboy.  Had to cancel the subscription.

In my zeal for new found trinkets, I thought about putting a biometric key lock on my front door.  You know, place your thumb on the pad and the door opens without using a key.

How many miles you get with this thing?

The very thought of my in-laws standing on the porch in the cold scratching their heads trying to figure out where to put the key so that they can open the door to feed the kitties while I am out for the weekend, just told me that it was not a good idea.

Somewhere on the web, I found a counter top food processor that microwaves, chops, dices, sanitizes and repackages.  And it was the base line model.  I’m scared to death to ask what the luxury version does. Maybe it will feed the kitties… Hmmm…

I’m not so sure that the world is ready for all these new fangled techy options.  You might have thought I was kidding about the people who can’t walk and chew gum at the same time?  I’m not.  I see these same people sitting in their Pontiac Super Chief doing 90 on the freeway.  Put that person in a new car with todays fancy doo-dads and you’ll have a train wreck involving fourteen cars, two 18-wheelers and a bus full of Alzheimer’s patients coming back from some place they can’t remember.

The argument that all these new ideas are for the younger generation holds only so much water.  This “younger generation” can’t even balance a check book without a computer (and even then it involves a software program and an external accountant).  Remember, these are the same folks who will be taking care of your heart surgery at Mercy General using a joy stick and game pad sitting in their office in Taos New Mexico.  Hell, I haven’t even been to Taos.

The point is this;  I am not so sure the world is ready for all of this new fangled gadgetry.  How do I know that we are not ready?  Let me ask a question.  Have you recently used something that is as simple as a kitchen butcher knife, but has more buttons on it than the button you have permanently attached to your torso?  Did it work right?

Hmmm…   Let me ask one more question.  You use a remote to control your TV, right?  Do you know how to turn off the TV or adjust the brightness… at the TV?

Point made.

I’d be very happy to tell you all about my feelings toward this over the phone.  But my hearing aid is the new digital kind and I haven’t gotten to the page that talks about programming it for use with a telephone.  I have it programmed for talking in a moving vehicle and for general conversation at a dinner party.  It came preprogrammed with the movie theater and the office environment settings.  I had to make adjustments for the quiet outdoors and doctors office settings.  However, I love the jet airplane and metro/rapid transit settings.  But the page on programming it for use around the house when it’s just me and the missus got torn and it somehow found the fire place…

Until next time…

P. S. The answer was “C”.

Fearless 2010 predictions:

1. Everything will stay the same for 2010… bad economy, bad employment listings, bad News, bad T.V… you name it, it will be just like it was in 2009.

That’s it folks… thank-you for coming… be sure and tip your waiter.

There are some good things… We have our health, our families, our friends… and all of that far out weighs the crapola that we will see, hear and feel in 2010.

In many ways I am glad to see 2009 slide into the rear view mirror. So much happened that wasn’t pleasant for many folks. Maybe the new year is just the right time to start thinking about things getting better. So maybe a New Years wish should be in order…

Edith Lovejoy Pierce
We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called “Opportunity” and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.

Sydney Smith
Resolve to make at least one person happy every day, and then in ten years you may have made three thousand, six hundred and fifty persons happy, or brightened a small town by your contribution to the fund of general enjoyment.

Aisha Elderwyn
Every new year people make resolutions to change aspects of themselves they believe are negative. A majority of people revert back to how they were before and feel like failures. This year I challenge you to a new resolution. I challenge you to just be yourself.

T. S. Eliot
For last year’s words belong to last year’s language and next year’s words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning.

Benjamin Franklin
Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each New Year find you a better man.

Vern McLellan
What the New Year brings to you will depend a great deal on what you bring to the New Year.

Michael Altshuler
The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.

Albert Einstein
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.

Edward Payson Powell
The old year has gone. Let the dead past bury its own dead. The new year has taken possession of the clock of time. All hail the duties and possibilities of the coming twelve months!

Hal Borland
Year’s end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.

John Selden
Never tell your resolution beforehand, or it’s twice as onerous a duty.

Ogden Nash
Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn’t it, of a long line of proven criminals?

William Thomas
It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.

and probably my favorite…

Anonymous
Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.

May 2010 see you happy, healthy and harmonious…

Until next time…

“I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!”  You know, maybe Howard Beale (Peter Finch) had it right when he galvanised a nation in the movie “Network”.  I am, as of right now, going to scream the same thing from the top of my lungs… and if you open a window, you may just hear my scream.

Wanna hear the story?  Sweet…

So, I’m in a Chain / Cheap / Chintz store… (3 C’s for savings… what BULLS%!*). It’s Christmas / Hanukkah / Kwanzaa… whatever… As I’m paying for my cheap stuff, I try and be nice to the clerk who is obviously underpaid / overworked / bored to death… In my best (get me the hell outta here) voice, I say, “Merry Christmas to ya!”… The icy stare would have frozen boiling water. “It’s not PC to say that you know. It’s Happy Holidays. Some people don’t celebrate Christmas!”

Ohhhhh Kaaaayyyy! Being rebuffed, I skate out the door.

I won’t dwell on that too much. After all, only two more stops… the next stop is a local big box store. I find my items, proceed to the checkout and pay for my goods. With the rebuff still ringing in my ears, I quietly tell the service cashier “Happy Holidays” in my most cheerful voice. Was I ever surprised when I got the “Yeah… Happy Hanukkah!” Now, as I oil my way towards the door, I’m thinkin’ “What the…???”

OK. So Happy Holidays is OK for some folks. Those of a different religious persuasion may need a different greeting as Happy Holidays may not be readily accepted. So, with that in mind, and I mull over this chain of events carefully, I work my way towards my specialty shop where I hope to get some of the best tastin’ Bar-B-Que ribs this side of the Mississippi. Well… at least, in my humble opinion, they are the best.

Pop into the store… I know right where to go… Grab up a small handful of basted and broiled greatness and press towards the checkout. Armed with what I have learned recently, I offer up the following liturgy; “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays or Happy Hanukkah!” (I was almost ready to add an addendum of “or whatever floats your boat… but hey, this is Christmas). I am almost out the door, when the absolutely stunning female checker says in a very light accent “Happy Kwanza to your family as well!”

That did it… It put me over the top… I get to the car and unceremoniously heave my ill gotten gains thru the window of my car. I plant myself heavily and angrily into the drivers seat and POUND ON THE STEERING WHEEL. Political Correctness has gone too damned far. I am sick and tired of all this PC this and PC that.  Screw it…  Maybe I  should no longer wish anyone a Merry / Happy anything. I am just going to say, “Have a nice day!”

To which I will probably get some pimply faced response of, “No, it’s have a nice life!”

So here it is folks… My not so PC wish to you and yours.

Have a very Merry Christmas and a safe and sane New Year. May Santa bring you all the things you want and may 2010 be a prosperous New Year. Please… be kind to each other. Respect and cherish your elders, for they have been through more years of torment than you have up to this point. Remember in your offerings the men and women of our armed forces for they stand in the door to protect you as you sleep at night. I hope that each and every blessing that you offer comes back to you in many a different way.

At my Christmas dinner, I will raise a glass to you…  my friends…  and toast… “To absent companions…”

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Until next year…

Also in 1969, the well known and beloved comedian Red Skelton (who can forget ‘Freddie the Freeloader’ or ‘Clem Kadiddlehopper’) lamented on his weekly television show that the Pledge of Allegiance might someday be considered a “prayer” and eliminated from public schools. Given the recent appeals court ruling that teacher-led recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance in public schools is unconstitutional, Red Skelton’s words now strike many as remarkably prescient (and perhaps more prophetic than even he imagined).

This is not me talking… This is a comedian who had so much love for his country that he told the world exactly what the Pledge of Allegiance meant. He shared his experience as a boy in school and the musings of a teacher that helped him understand exactly what the pledge means. And all of this happened on the 14th of January, 1969.

Ladies and Gentlemen… Mr. Red Skelton…

The Pledge of Allegiance.

Since I was a small boy, two states have been added to our country, and two words have been added to the Pledge of Allegiance: “under God.” Wouldn’t it be a pity if someone said that is a prayer, and that would be eliminated from schools too?

It means even more today than it did in 1969…

Until next week…

Gruesome…  How about some even more gruesome stuff…

Imagine you were walking down the street.  There, on the corner is a nude woman.  Would you take a moment and pause to look?  What if on that same street corner, you saw Jay Leno doing stand-up comedy.  Would you stop to listen in… if even for a moment.

Are you the kind of person who would “stop and smell the roses?”

Washington, DC Metro Station on a cold January morning in 2007. The man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, approx. 2 thousand people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

After 3 minutes, a middle-aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace, stopped for a few seconds, and then hurried to meet his schedule.

4 minutes later:
The violinist received his first dollar: a woman threw the money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.

6 minutes:
A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.

10 minutes:
A 3-year old boy stopped but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. Several other children repeated this action. Every parent, without exception, forced his or her children to move on quickly.

45 minutes:
The musician played continuously.  Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money, but continued to walk at their normal pace.  The man collected a total of $32.

1 hour:
He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

Findings:
No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before Joshua Bell sold out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

Joshua Bell playing incognito in the Metro Station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste, and people’s priorities. The questions raised: “In a common place environment, at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?”

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this:  If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made…. How many other things are we missing?

Full Story here

The story above is true…   In many ways I wish it wasn’t.  But it belies that state of the human condition as a lifestyle…  and in that, we should be ashamed.

In our travels, we have seen many people who rush from one place to another never stopping to take in the sights and sounds around them.  I pray that I never become one of those people.

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It’s why I ride a motorcycle with the people in my club.

Until next time…

Uncle Mark

Has the Reality T.V. thing become a panacea for stupid people?

OK… too big of a question without some preamble to share with all of you why I asked it in the first place.

Let’s see… How many Reality T.V. shows are we talking about here?

The Biggest Loser
The Bachelor
Gladiator
Jon & Kate Plus 8
Dancing with the Stars
Wife Swap
Losing It With Jillian
Big Brother
Tough Love
The Real Housewives
The Amazing Race
American Idol
Top Model
Survivor: Samoa

crapola…

These are some of the ones I can think of…   the rest of the list goes on and on…

It used to be that T.V. was larger than life. It was something you watched and the people on the T.V. were someone you tried to aspire to. Today, any crackpot with an idea, like sending up a balloon, crying like a baby about it and parading your barfy kid in front of the morning news would be in line for a reality T.V. show. Don’t tell me that there isn’t some producer salivating like a hungry dog about putting this train wreck on T.V. knowing full well that some 35 percent of the viewing population will tune in just to see what kind of idiotic exploits the Henne’s are up to.

Don’t believe me? We are still waiting and watching for the new reality T.V. show of “Jon and Kate: WWF”. Let’s those idiot people duke it out live in front of a National T.V. audience.

Maybe that was Bernie Madoff’s idea. He wasn’t really stealing anyones money. He was just prepping for his reality T.V. stint; “The I Take U Money Reality Show”.

You don’t think that Chesley Sullenberger’s parking of an A320 in the Hudson was a cry for having an “I survived an animal disaster with 137 of my now closest friends” subplot do you? Naaahhh….

I do however, absolutely believe that these recent terrorist arrests are the precursor for ABC/CBS offering up a “Get that Osama Bastard Race” where normal people riding bicycles and toting bazooka’s find someone that the U.S. couldn’t find in a Spiral Cut Ham store.

Come to think of it, the idea of a Kanye West/Taylor Swift tussle at the VMA awards might set up a “Upstage someone else by being an complete idiot” reality extravaganza. Hell, you really don’t have to go very far to find anyone that could be a part of that one. Just review some of the recent Darwin Awards.

Here’s a good one; “Road Rage Reality T.V.”. Each week we try and find the biggest road rager and travel with him/her to and from work. You get extra points for firing a weapon out the window of the moving car.

“The Real Housewives”? Puhleeze… How about “The Real Sunday Husbands” show. That is a rating bonanza right there.

One last one; “Survivor: Recession/Unemployment/Over Taxed Show”?

So now I have to ask a question. Has the Reality T.V. thing become a panacea for stupid people?

Maybe the statement by Andy Warhol in 1968 that “In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes.” will come true. Only it will be more like “In the future, everyone will have their own reality T.V. show”.

God forbid…

Until next time…

In my normal day of finding neat things on the Internet, I came across this news story in a small Minnesota newspaper.  I’d like to share it with you…

It seems there were these two kids in the fourth grade out playing on the playground.  Innocent enough… but then, as kids often do, an argument broke out about some finer point of hopscotch or tether-ball… something…   As happens often, name calling ensued.  The final verbal assault was when one kid told the other kid, “Yeah, well you have erectile dysfunction…”.

This apparently got back to the parents of the little boy who was handed the insult.  As with all folks who have a small amount of sunshine throughout the year, they took exception and are now suing the parents of the boy who issued the statement and the school system for not protecting their child from the sexual epithet that was issued.

Not too long ago, there was a story in the local paper about the parents of a little 6 year old girl asking, ”Daddy, have you ever had an erection lasting four hours?”.

If one is going to start using the boob tube to take the temperature of today’s family life, we all need to start taking Cialis with a side trip to Viagra.  The number of days we should spend at the local Indian Casino’s should be in double digits and Furlough Friday employees get free $50 additional slot play on Friday’s.  We don’t buy enough pizza, hamburgers, fried chicken or [insert T.V. commercial food item here...].

Personally, I am getting sick and tired of the crap in commercials.  I am getting irritated with where these idjiot marketing dim wits place this stuff.  For example; a Sponge Bob Square Pants cartoon…  and right in the middle of it, a pair of soaking tubs on a beach or lake, two people holding hands and the announcer saying “Don’t take Cialis is you have a history of heart disease…”.  So I guess that all of the erectile dysfunctional folks watch Sponge Bob.  I guess advertisers think that you might as well since you can’t do anything else.

At some point, someone is going to speak up and make a big stink.  I have and will continue to do so. If I can find a lawyer that would love to take on the crap affecting families in commercials pro-bono, I am there.  Right this moment, it’s a write in campaign.  Once a week, it’s all I ask.  Write the local stations and complain about the nature of the crap you are subjected to on the commercials.  It doesn’t have to be about a medical product or pill.  Heck, I just wrote one complaining about the “no neck” jerk in the cardigan that whispers to pizza.  What an pile of smoking horse dung.

Oh, and that fiber enriched crap they are trying to push on these old ladies in the supermarket isle…  and cars, oh my gawd, we are not buying enough cars.  WHO THE HELL CAN AFFORD A CAR IN TODAYS MARKET.  AND THOSE WANNA BE ROCKERS TOUTING THE FREE CREDIT REPORT…   THEY SHOULD BE HAULED OFF AND FLOGGED.  DO CAVEMEN REALLY RIDE RICE ROCKETS AND GO BOWLING ON FRIDAY NIGHTS? TELL ME WHERE IT SAYS THAT A BANK CAN DESTROY A NICE ROCK AND ROLL TUNE WHILE YOU WATCH FLOATING WHALES AND CRASHING WAVES?  KNOCK THAT STUFF OFF PLEASE. AND IF THAT DIRT BAG SELLING HANDY CHOPPERS OR SHAMMY RAGS EVER GRACES MY T. V. AGAIN, I WILL GO BALLISTIC…

AAAAHHHHHHHHH!

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I’m much better now…   Asinine commercials don’t seem to bother me much anymore.  I pulled an Elvis and shot my T. V.  Things are so much nicer when you don’t have some jackass haranguing you about stuff you really don’t want to know about, care about or give a rat’s butt about.

I imagine that some families could do with a good old fashioned dose of “no T. V. night” and a decaffeinated soft drink.  Wouldn’t you agree?

Until next week…

You know…    It’s the state that has a town called Pacific Grove.  And there is a law on the books in that city establishing a $500 fine for molesting butterflies.

It’s also the state that will soon have the most gullible people in the whole damned world.  And YOU could be one of the chosen few.

“How”, you ask?

Easy…    Grab a chair…  Lemme ’splain…

Crooks (you know, those bad guys who want your money and want to give you nothing in return?  Just like insurance salesman?) will soon be plying their trade as…  <gasp> census takers.  That’s right!  Those are the good folks at the census who want to know how much money your family makes and how many toilets you have?  (Boy, if you run a porta-potty biz, you got some numbers to share, doncha?)

It’s a scam (not the porta-potty thing, the census taker thing) and it works like this…

Scammers pose as census workers to elicit personal information (names. phone numbers, social security numbers, addresses, bank account information) from unsuspecting victims…   that means they are scamming someone other than you, because you now know the partial truth.  Read the rest and you will know the whole truth.

Unfortunately, scammers often find easy pickings, especially in gullible California.  Some people still offer up such information easily.  Others who are more cautious about providing personal information are often fooled by crooks who falsely pose as official representatives of agencies.  In other words, if someone shows up at your door claiming to be President Obama and he has a check he wants to give you, shoot first, then look for the secret service.

And for God’s sake, if they want to invite themselves into your home and your Rottweiler wants a little taste of the census takers fanny, by all means let “Bowser” take a big ol’ bite.

Look, if a U.S. Census worker knocks on your door, they will have a badge, some kind of handheld recording device, a federally issued Census Bureau canvas bag and a written/laminated confidentiality notice. Ask to see their identification and their badge before answering their questions. However, you should never invite anyone you don’t know into your home.

Census workers are currently only knocking on doors to verify address information. Do not give your Social Security number, credit card or banking information to anyone, even if they claim they need it for the U.S. Census.   While the Census Bureau might ask for basic financial information, such as a salary range (which should always be the lowest amount range they tell you), they will not ask for Social Security, bank account information or credit card numbers, nor will employees solicit donations (not even to complete your census form for you).

HEY…   YOU PAYING ATTENTION?  That means these clowns could also attempt to separate you from your hard earned money by way of e-mail.  They could even offer a service of helping you complete your census forms for a small fee of $50.  Any crook offering to do the form for $50 bucks is not a very good crook.  Many of these jerks are charging upwards of $250.

NOTE TO SELF:  Don’t put outgoing mail in your home mail box.  These guys are taking your outgoing mail and trying the double dip as a census taker.  The outgoing mail helps them identify who you are and the bills you pay by reading (and eventually cashing) the checks in your mail box.  It makes them sound efficient and realistic and very, very rich.  Meanwhile, you will be getting a collections call about a payment you were sure you mailed (yep…  there’s the check processed by my bank…  and it was cashed by Mary Juanna).

Is any of this true?

Do me a favor…   Someone walks up and pounds on your door and says “Hi, My name is Jerry Attrick and I work for the Census Bureau.  Is your name Stu Pid and do you live here?”, just answer; “What is the State of None-of-your-damned-business” and close the door.  Come back here, reread this and ask yourself “Is any of this true?”

As God is my witness.  And not my census taker.

Until next week…

As a musical get started moment, the lyrics are:

Well I went down to my local arena.

I asked to see the manager man.

He came from his office and said, “Son can I help you?”

I looked at him and said, “Yes you can.”

‘Cause I wanna drive the zamboni.

I wanna drive the zamboni.

(Yes I do.)
.

We were sitting around the other day having a discussion.  Some music was playing on the box, some old time 50’s and 60’s stuff.  I made a comment like, “You know, that was real music.  Great tunes, nice melodies, fun rhymns…  not like all this rap junk that’s being spit out by every jerk who can’t hold a tune…”

(NOTE:  Yes folks, I am going to PI$$ OFF the rappers in the world.  And you know why?  Because I am right.)

Well, that started the conversation in a direction that I didn’t want it to go…   something about my parents probably saying the same thing about my rock and roll.  It means that I am getting old and I’m saying the same thing my parents said.

WRONG!  And I’ll prove it… by comparing lyrics… you’ll just have to hum the musical tune in your head.

RAP SONG:

“So get up out my face, you doo-doo-head dummy.”

- Arab, Yahhh by Soulja Boy Tell Em

(Note: you get the tune sorted out on this one???
.

50’s SONG:

When the clock strikes two, three and four,

If the band slows down we’ll yell for more,

We’re gonna rock around the clock tonight,

We’re gonna rock, rock, rock, ’til broad daylight.

We’re gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight.

- Bill Haley and the Comets, Rock around the clock

.

RAP SONG:

“They know I got that broccoli, so I keep that glock on me.”

- Young Jeezy, Put On

(Note: He’s either selling vegetables or…)
.

60’s SONG:

I heard it through the grapevine

Not much longer would you be mine.

Oh I heard it through the grapevine,

Oh and I’m just about to lose my mind.

Honey, honey yeah.

- Marvin Gaye, Heard it through the Grapevine

.

RAP SONG:

“Make your chest look just like some pizza.”

- Pharrell, Already Platinum by Slim Thug

(Note: Ummmm… He delivers for Pizza Man?)
.

70’s SONG:

Daniel is travelling tonight on a plane

I can see the red tailed eyes heading for Spain

Oh and I can see Daniel waving goodbye

God it looks like Daniel, must be the clouds in my eyes

- Elton John, Daniel

.

RAP SONG:

“I love the cutie pies, never the doody pies.”

- Guru of Gangstarr, Discipline

(Note: Must be a real young kid… no grown-up would say this.)
.

80’s SONG:

Love on the rocks

Ain’t no surprise

Pour me a drink

And I’ll tell you some lies

Got nothin’ to lose

So you just sing the blues all the time

- Neil Diamond, Love on the rocks

.

.

I’m sorry folks, but if you had an impartial panel judging on the above songs and lyrics, the 50’s 60’s 70’s and 80’s would win BY A LANDSLIDE!  During those years we wern’t talking about putting a bullet in someone because they stole your dog (I think a dog is a “dog” in rap, isn’t it?).  We didn’t use make up words to express a feeling like love, things or current events.  Killing our mother for making you go to school was never expressed in any kind of musical number that I can remember.

So don’t tell me that rap is music.  It isn’t music and I swear to GOD that the next time I pull up to a stop light and the jerk next to me is playing that rap crap at a volume close to the sound of a Saturn 5 rocket taking off, I’m gonna show him the volume switch…

WITH MY SHOTGUN LOCATING THE DASH MOUNTED CONTROL!

It’s not music and it sure as hell does not need to be played so loud that people three cars over wonder why thier engine sounds as if the pistons are trying to swap holes.  Yeah, it may have a musical background, but the lyrics…   Real music stirs the soul, fires the imagination, brings back memories.

It should never be painful to listen to.  Well, unless you’re at an ice hockey game and the lyrics of the Gear Daddies waift off the rafters of the arena.

“Since I was young it’s been my dream

to drive that there zamboni machine.

I’d get that ice just as slick as could be,

and all the kids would look up to me.”

Until next week…