The term is often confused as having the same meaning as “straight up”, which should translate as ‘chilled’.

Have I ever told you that I cannot stand sales calls? Especially on the phone, in the evening… RIGHT AT DINNER!

Well, now you know… and as a guide for those who also get those irritating calls, here’s a guide to make them FUN! Just remember, under no circumstances acknowledge that the person they are speaking to is the customer. This means when the person asks if this is Mr. (or Mrs.) Customer, say, “Who’s calling?” If they press for your identification, say “O.K. What’s this all about?”

Uncle Mark’s Guide to making sales phone calls fun

The razzle dazzle

Let the sales caller start with the preliminaries. In other words, allow them to spill their opening remarks. Once they get the first portion out of the way and there is that pregnant pause, tell them in a low, sly guttural voice, “Can you do me a favor? Can you call back when the real home owner is here? You see, I’m just robbing the place”. And hang up.

OR

Same thing, allow them to get really into their story, and then spring a crisis on them. Like, “I’m gonna have to hang up now. The hostage negotiator says that if I don’t give up, they will send in the canine unit. Say, you wouldn’t know how to get tear gas stains out of blue jeans would you?” And hang up.

Not really there

You get the call and realize it’s a salesman. Carefully place the phone down on the counter and walk away. This one is especially helpful for those people who don’t want to offend. There is one other way to look at it; it’s not as rude to the person on the other end of the line as hanging up on them.

This is one of my favorites. Answer the phone with some really spooky or weird voice. If it’s a sales call and after a bit, the caller might ask if they could speak to so and so. In the same spooky voice, say “Yes, that’s me. But I’m not really home right now. I’m here physically, but, you see, I haven’t been taking my meds so I tend to wander away at times. Wondering is so much fun… and those guys in the little white jackets can be so entertaining, don’t you think?”

Better yet; here’s one for those who like “easy”. Tell the salesman that your the caretaker of the home and that Mr. and Mrs. Customer are on a fact finding mission to the Himalaya’s and won’t be back for eighteen months. Then ask to take a message?

Catch ‘em off guard

Here’s a fun one. The call comes in, the caller starts the spiel… Then abruptly ask them to wait, telling them that you have to get the digital recorder set up to record this conversation. Now bounce a few items off the counter top loud enough for the caller to hear it. Be sure to ask during the fumbling if it’s OK to record your conversation and don’t allow them to say yes or no, just carry on as if they have given you their consent. Pretend you are having a bit of difficulty with the recording device, then settle in with the following; “OK. Phone call dated [today's date] at approximately [time right now] from… [pause here for effect] What did you say your name was?”

If they haven’t hung up as of yet, allow them to tell you who they are and from what company they are calling from. Once you get all that out in the open, follow with “Wait, aren’t you the pervert who’s been calling me and wanting to kiss my toes?” And hang up the phone.

If at first you can’t answer, don’t

This takes some “juevos”, but it can be one heck of a lot of fun. Come up with strange responses to questions being put to you. For example;

Seller: Mr. Customer, would that be OK with you?

Customer: I always liked the Packard. The Nash was such a small car and always painted in those gawdy colors. I’d pick the Packard anytime. Big, stable… a real dream car. Not like those boats that they sell nowadays, wouldn’t you agree?

- or -

Seller: You can have this program free for a whole thirty days. How does that sound?

Customer: You know president Nixon would have looked simply divine in a chiffon gown, braced corset and bodice with stainless steel stays. No doubt in my mind that his eyes would have lit up in that outfit. What do you think?

Just keep responding with garbage to the questions being asked. The object is to see how long they stay on the line until they hang up. My record so far? Thirteen minutes.

Unsold and an Uncustomer

Actually, this works well with cable/cell phone companies and when you identify yourself as the customer (which you should never do). When they allow you to speak, tell them “OK, I’ll take your service if and only if it’s free for one year.” Once the person at the other end of the line chokes on his/her dough nut, explain. “Let me put it this way. Getting it free for one year will help me make up my mind. You’re gonna ask me to sign-up for and commit to a one year agreement, right? Well, it only seems fair that I get the service free and then at the end of that year, I’ll let you know if your program measures up. You see, I got stuck with a cell phone contract that I signed for two years. I was assured that this was the best cell phone service in the country. Never made a call on that service, you wanna know why? There was no service. So if your service/product is so dang good, I’ll take it for free for one full year to evaluate it. Fair enough?”

To young and tons of fun

There are times when this is just too much fun. I even use this on my relatives. The sales spiel starts, and in a child like voice, interrupt the caller with your childs voice and say “I did a do do in my pants today. Mommy was real mad.” Allow the sales caller to try and form some kind of response and follow up with “Did you know that you can’t dry a cat in the microwave?” Keep that child like voice going. “My baby sister/brother was trying to get out of his/her high chair, so I helped and I pushed it over. My mommy says I could have killed someone and that when daddy gets home I’m gonna get it. I wonder what I’m going to get?”

Get to the point

This is fun. One word answers. Think of it as a game. You can only speak using one word as an answer or statement.

Seller: Hello Mr. Customer, and how are you today?

Customer: Broke.

Seller: That’s great. The reason I’m calling is to update you on a new service offered by your credit card company. Can you spare a minute?

Customer: Nope.

Seller: One of the things… ( and the spiel goes on). Wouldn’t you agree?

Customer: Hardly.

It could get you into trouble

I save these for last because if you use them, and I have, they could get you into trouble. But the fun is waiting to see what the caller says after you deliver the “punch” line.

Seller: Hello, I’d like to speak to Mr. Customer?

Customer: [a slight pause... you know it's a sales call] I’m sorry. Mr. Customer passed away last night. (While it might get you into trouble, just think of all the sales calls you won’t be getting…)

-or-

Seller: Yes, is there a Mr. Customer there?

Customer: Is this his/her parole officer? Look you freakin’ clown, he/she wasn’t trying to skip town. He/She had no idea where those phony passports came from and the one way air fare to Buenos Aries wasn’t his/hers. Why you had to have him/her arrested is just the pits you arrogant son of a… (well, you get the picture)

-or-

Seller: Is this Mr. Customer?

Customer: Yeah, listen. I’m just finishing up the engraving on those phony twenty dollars bills. I should have half a million printed by midnight tonight. I’ll throw them in the dryer, have them washed so that no one will guess their bad paper. Even you won’t be able to tell the good twenties from the fakes. It will all be in your hands tomorrow morning. I can have the remaining 250 million by Wednesday, OK?

.

Most people get a bit perturbed by sales calls. I look upon them as a source of enjoyment; a small respite from bad TV. My only other choice is to make a bee-line for the local watering hole where I can get a little straight up Bourbon. Neat.

Until next week…