and traffic has been going, slowing and stopping in that same spot since 1914.

CAUTION: the opinions expressed by this columnist are strictly his. In other words, there’s a rant coming on and you’d better be sitting down for this one!

Up to HERE! That’s how far I have had it with lousy drivers. Sorry about this, but I have to blow off some steam. And I’ll be venting it at all at the lousy drivers out there on the roads today! In fact, I’ll classify some of those drivers for you in this short column.

Mr. I Got The Right Away – I don’t care if it’s illegal: Here’s the scenario: you have to make a U-turn at a busy intersection. Checking the posted signs, you find out that it is legal to make a U-turn on a green arrow. The light turns green, you swing left and lo’ and behold there’s some clown in a car (truck, jeep, sports job… something) who’s making a right hand turn on a red. He’s so angry at you for making a perfectly legal U-turn that he lets you know that your number one on his list… WITH HIS MIDDLE FINGER, no less!

Mr/Ms Prep before work in the Front Seat: It has always amazed me how much can be accomplished by a man or a woman who has their entire bathroom in the front seat of a Dodge Intrepid. Thank God for those cordless shavers and mood lighting sun visors for applying eyeliner. These finishing touches are normally applied while driving up the on-ramp to the freeway. And, if it isn’t the bathroom, then it’s the breakfast nook. I get sick and tired of driving by someone whose having his or her Cherrios at 60 miles an hour. They should at least have a complete breakfast… at Denny’s!

Mr/Ms Just a bit ‘o’ lite reading: How anyone can say that they are watching the road while reading the Wall Street Journal propped up on the steering wheel of their car is lying. If it isn’t the newspaper, it’s some part of work taken home the night before and dismissed as something one can do on the way to work. When this driver does get pulled over, their response to the police officer’s question is usually “But I wasn’t reading officer, I was just looking at the pictures.” Get a clue bozo. Reading is best done someplace other then the driver’s position of a thirty-four hundred pound guided (or un-guided) missile!

Mr/Ms Cell Phone ‘Can you hear me now’ idiot: I can hear the conversation now; “I’m just on the freeway and thought I would give you call. Hang on let me switch ears. Some jackass just honked his horn as I tried to run him off the road.” Hey, most drivers have a problem chewing gum and walking at the same time. So we pack Mr/Ms Cell Phone into their mobile four-wheel phone booth and tell them they can flash message their kids all for the low price of twelve dollars. Never mind that in the process, the local news’s “eye in the sky” is telling the world that a traffic jam has occurred right behind their vehicle as their speed has gone from 65 to 45 because their attention is diverted elsewhere. Pay attention? This driver can’t pay 25 cents to make the call from the safety of a phone booth. This guy gives new meaning the term ‘reach out and touch someone’. Only he’s going to do it literally while being oblivious to what’s going on around him.

Green light = GO. Yellow light = GO FASTER!: It’s gotten so bad that as a defensive driver, you have to wait for your light to change green, count five seconds and then go. If you don’t, Billy Buttcrack, driving his lime green, less the legal pickup truck, will blow thru the intersection doing well over the speed limit and saying to himself “It looked yeller to me…” Hey Billy (and all you other red light busting dim wits), get a clue. The yellow light means caution. And the red light pulsing in your mirror is Johnny Law helping you obtain tickets to the policeman’s ball.

I know it’s in here someplace: This is the guy (or gal) you don’t see. You pull up alongside a can and no one is driving. The steering wheel is moving, the car is moving; into your lane, but it’s moving. And then the head pops up from somewhere down below the gearshift lever. This clown has always amazed me. Here they are after a six-day-old piece of gum or a bad copy of Barry Manilow’s hits of the nineties. If they don’t watch out, a telephone pole may find their front bumper… as it wraps around their neck!

Ms I got problems… they’re called kids: Little Johnny just threw up all over his sister. Little Johnny is two rows of car seats back. And here’s mom trying to clean up the mess from the front seat. Here’s a scenario a little bit better. Here’s mom doing the baby face, goochy-goo to the little cherub on the seat next to her while doing 85 in the car pool lane during rush hour. God forbid your pool-car pulls out from behind a solid waste truck into the pool lane with this distracted lady making kissy-faces instead of paying attention to driving.

Mr/Ms It’s my left, your right, right?: Here’s this nice small two lane two-way stop light. You want to make a right. As you pull up to the intersection (with your blinker on), the light changes green. The car immediately facing across from you wants to make a left… and does so… right into your right hand turn. Seems he felt that the right of way was his whether or not you were going across the intersection or making the right turn. But look at it this way, what’s a little swapped paint amongst friends huh? Hey at least he told you that you are number one on his hit list. Funny how many times that happens in a day, isn’t it?

And last but not least…

I got your speed limit: This says it all. They feel that the limit signs were all made for chumps. If it says 55, then they will do at least 55 and test the maneuverability of their new Ground Pounder SUV across all six lanes of traffic. And 25 miles per hour zones while children are present is for people who have lousy brakes and nowhere to go. Once the police officer stops them and tells them that the speed limit on this stretch of road is 45 miles per hour, they will respond, “But I wasn’t going to be out that long!”

We all have a responsibility to be the safest driver we can. As an exercise, just watch the way people drive around your neighborhood. You can also watch from the relative safety of a controlled intersection, preferably one that has a red light, yellow light and a green light. In fact, before you start your car after doing a bit of shopping, just pause a minute and watch the chaos along the roadways around you. Count the number of times someone does something wrong. Then ease the shift lever to the “D” position… and be very… very… afraid!

Until next week…

Both are British-style tea cakes similar to an English muffin, and often served at high tea.

So Miley Cyrus did a risque photo shoot for Vanity Faire magazine. The whole world is in an uproar. People now despise her… they think she’s a bad person and that the apology was faked. This huge uproar because the 15 year old star of Disney Studio’s Hanna Montana teen show money maker was shown in “provocative poses”. Wow…

I’m trying real hard to place this into some sort of prospective. Let’s see… she is 15. At 15 years of age, how much good sense did you have? Me? I thought I knew everything and my parents were crazy. Thank God for a strong parental influence from my folks or I might have posed for Cosmo at 15. NOT…

Speaking of the folks… where were hers? Right there with her on the set as the shoot progressed. Maybe, in some peoples opinion Billy Ray didn’t think about all this too much. His daughter is 15 years old and he was on the shoot (and in some of the pictures mind you) with his daughter, just as it should be. Some might argue that his judgment was a little askew, but he was there with her.

The photographer was renowned Annie Lebovitz. I have always admired her work. She might have gotten her wires crossed a bit by exposing a little too much of a 15 year old on film for a magazine shoot. Maybe…

How about her agent. He/She have to share some of this blame as they must have thought this was a good thing for a 15 year old. A little BIG press exposure… a renowned photog… somewhat provocative photos… Seeing your young and rising starlet on film in a prestigious magazine does wonders for the pocketbook, doncha think?

How about Disney studios? They must be a fault. They need to keep a tighter reign on their proteges “after hour” doings despite the fact that the parents may be involved; despite the fact that she’s a 15 year old.

If you listen to the furor, some think that Miley was practically nude in some of those photos. Please… I saw more skin exposed on my prom date at the “Coming Home” dance in 1972.

She feels she made a mistake. Fine.

The photog feels bad that her pictures were misinterpreted. Fine.

The agent is having problems carrying the load of cash to the bank. Fine.

Disney is still selling tickets and putting on a show. Fine.

Why are we still talking about all this? Oh… I get it… It’s so that we all have something to talk about. All this hubbub about Ms. Cyrus makes some parents wonder how their kids are going to deal with all this. Other parents could really care less. And some parents are asking “Miley who?”

So… why the uproar?

In today’s world, I don’t think I would have had my daughter in that much of a provocative display. I would have hoped that someone slapped me hard enough to make me think about what I was allowing my daughter to be a part of… then again, I’m glad I don’t have to face that issue today.

In fact, I think I’ll do what our English cousins are doing across the pond. Right now they are sitting down to afternoon tea and piklet’s wondering what the hell has become of those crazy Americans. All this fuss about nothing.

I can hear them now…

“That sort of thing would never happen heah. Jeeves, more tea if you would please…”

Until next week…